


Nat

by Jake_Matthews



Series: Avengers One Shots [8]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Coming Out, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, Genderfluid Steve Rogers, Nat needs a hug, Self-Discovery, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-04
Updated: 2015-10-04
Packaged: 2018-04-25 15:30:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4966360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jake_Matthews/pseuds/Jake_Matthews
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Agent Romanov is in the midst of a personal struggle, an internal battle which rivals the Avengers' ongoing war against Hydra. And when new enemies join the field, the Black Widow is on the verge of being compromised.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nat

**Author's Note:**

> Spoiler Alert! Contains Age of Ultron spoilers.
> 
> TW: Gender Dysphoria

_... Known as Black Widow, the only female member of The Avengers. Shocking details about her past exploits have been revealed in the wake of the fall of Shield. She has appeared in government hearings to defend..._

Nat shut out the sound of the television, old news footage from the previous year, and focused on the reflection in the mirror. Teeth worried the lower lip as eyes scanned the chest, torso twisting to admire the effect from the side. This felt right, felt like something had finally clicked into place after all these years of something being... wrong. Gaze drifting downwards, Nat's teeth bit down hard. The hips still looked wrong. Frowning at the reflection, twisting to find that perfect angle where the hips no longer mattered, the words of the news report suddenly broke through again.

_...Is this woman really the sort of hero we want young girls looking up to? She's the only female Avenger, a generation of girls will be looking up to her..._

Nat grimaced. "Jarvis, can you turn that off?"

"Of course, Agent Romanov," the AI obliged. In the resulting silence Nat faced off against the reflection, wrestling with thoughts that echoed phrases of the news report. The battle raging in Nat's head had become an almost daily occurrence, and as usual, Nat lost.

Sighing, she turned to get dressed, ignoring the reflection that mocked the lost battle. She pulled on her combat gear, intending to get some more training with the latest upgrades. As she left the room though, Jarvis interrupted her.

"Agent Romanov, Captain Rogers has called for the team to assemble in the Main Common Room."

Natasha nodded sharply, turning on her heel and striding purposefully down the corridor, leaving her troubled thoughts behind. She hoped.

When she arrived in the Main Common Room, Steve was stood tapping his fingers impatiently on the table, and Bruce and Tony were stood to one side, continuing whatever debate they'd been having before the call to assemble came through. Natasha found a place to casually lean against the back of the couch. Steve nodded at her, acknowledging her arrival. She nodded back, and studied him while they waited for Clint and Thor. He was fidgeting, and trying to hide it. Something had him very stressed right now. She knew he'd been talking to Sam earlier about the hunt for the Winter Soldier. She really hoped that wasn't what this was about. If all of them were needed to bring him in, it didn't bode well for Steve's hopes of getting his best friend back.

It wasn't long before Clint wandered in, munching on a bag of chips. From the way his hair was ruffled, Natasha could tell he'd been outside on the phone to Laura and the kids. He took a seat perched on the back of the couch next to Natasha and offered her his chips. Steve glanced at him then looked around the room and muttered, "Where the hell is Thor?"

It was probably meant as a rhetorical question, but Jarvis responded anyway, informing them, "He was in the middle of a video call with Jane Foster, but is on his way now and should arrive momentarily." Although he hadn't been looking for a response, Steve visibly relaxed on hearing this. Natasha frowned. Whatever this meeting was, it was serious. Bruce appeared to have picked up on it too, his gaze scanning Steve from head to toe, a frown creasing his brow. He glanced over at Natasha, sharing a concerned look. At that moment, Thor entered the room.

"My apologies, I was talking to Jane," he said as he approached the table. Steve nodded, and Natasha and Clint both stepped closer to the table, while Tony broke off his conversation with Bruce, finally noticing Steve's discomfort.

"So Cap, what's spangled your stars?" he teased, earning himself a stern glare from the supersoldier. Steve held the glare for a moment before responding, turning to the rest of the group.

"Hydra." There was a collective stiffening around the table, the seriousness of the situation beginning to grasp them.

"What've the Nazi bastards done now?" Tony asked, grimacing.

"They've got a base in Sokovia. And there is evidence indicating that Loki's Sceptre is currently located somewhere in this base. Jarvis, pull up the data packet Hill sent." Holo-screens appeared, and Steve immediately started scrolling through the data, pulling up the specs for the base and the surrounding area. In the corner of her eye, Natasha caught Tony glowering, deprived of the opportunity to make old man jokes about Steve's tech skills.

"So what's the plan, Cap?" Clint asked, scanning over the screens.

"We take down the base." Steve paused for a moment, then said, "We'll probably need to throw everything we have at them, which means..." His eyes drifted to Bruce, who sighed, whipping his glasses from his face and wiping the lenses on his shirt.

"You need the other guy. Of course you do. I mean it would be stupid not to... The lullaby has been working, right Natasha?" She smiled in response. Bruce was the only member of the team who consistently called her Natasha, and although a part of her, buried deep, recoiled at the name, it was part of Bruce's appeal to her. He helped reaffirm the undefeated victor of her internal battles in front of the mirror.

Through no small amount of effort, Natasha dragged her thoughts away from that and focused on the strategizing, preparing for the upcoming battle.

Later, as they headed off to gear up for the mission, Clint caught her arm. He held her back while the others left the room, and she looked at him in silence, trying to decipher his motive in holding her back. Once they were alone, he released her arm, his hand immediately going to scratch the back of his head. Natasha folded her arms, staring at him and waiting for him to make his point. She had a feeling she knew what was coming.

"Nat, is everything alright with you? Lately you seem a bit..." He trailed off, choosing to end his sentence with a goofy facial expression instead of words. Natasha just cocked an eyebrow at him. "C'mon Nat, I know you, and I know there's something bothering you. Can't you just tell me, maybe I can help you out."

"No." She turned to leave, but he grabbed her arm, pulling her back.

"Nat. C'mon, I just want to help. I care about you, please let me help you." When she refused to respond, he implored, "Natasha." She swallowed, but snatched her arm from his grip.

"I'm fine Clint. C'mon, we need to get ready." She shot him a stern glare, warning him to drop the subject. He nodded, and they headed off together initially, but once they had parted ways and she was convinced Clint was out of earshot, she said very quietly, "Jarvis? If Clint asks you about me..."

"Your secret is safe with me, Agent Romanov." Jarvis had long since given up trying to convince Natasha to talk to someone about her problem. Most of the time she refused to even admit there was one.

\- - - -

Nat was, once more, facing off against the reflection. Or perhaps the reflection was facing off against Natasha. The reflection was the happier one, the one where things felt right. In the chest region at least, but there wasn't really much to be done about the hips. The chest wasn't ideal either. Not that a permanent solution could be arranged. Leastways, not while Nat was losing every battle. Not while it was still Natasha that emerged from the bedroom after dressing. But Natasha always won. She had to.

They'd taken out the base in Sokovia and retrieved the Sceptre. Clint had been injured, but was healed now, and the Avengers were throwing a party. Nat was supposed to be getting ready for the party, but instead was glaring at the reflection, fighting against Natasha. This was what was right, the most comfortable Nat had ever felt. But on this occasion, Natasha was boosted by the fact that there would be too many people at the party. Not an appropriate environment for Nat to make his début.

Thank god Tony soundproofed the rooms. Those gunshots would have brought the whole team running, and Natasha couldn't be caught like this. Ignoring the shards of the broken mirror, she turned away, pulling off the binder and throwing it away in disgust.

_...the only female Avenger...a generation of girls..._

Natasha pulled on the outfit she'd laid out on the bed, and stepped to the door as she pulled on her shoes. She left without looking back at the mess she'd left in her room. She trusted that Jarvis would deal with it discreetly. She headed for the bar, intending to take a leaf out of Tony's book, but upon seeing Bruce she changed tactics. He was a lovely person, and he would keep her grounded, stop her from entertaining the ridiculous fantasies that had caused her to shoot her mirror. And they had become quite close over the past years, once she'd overcome her initial fear. That had been new. There wasn't much that could shake Natasha Romanov, but Hulk certainly did it. He was just so unpredictable, so different, so... unknown. An unknown quantity. And the way Bruce blushed when she flirted with him was just adorable.

So she flirted with Bruce, chatted with the other Avengers, and threw herself into the party. She pushed the mirror incident out of her mind, at least as much as she could when every so often she would catch sight of her reflection, and hate herself for the things she'd been thinking. And Clint was suspicious. Concerned, really, but in her determination to hide it, in her shame, she construed it as suspicion. Under the Hawk's scrutiny, she blended into the crowd, pretending that everything was okay. For a while, she even managed to convince herself.

\- - - -

During the overnight flight from Johannesburg to the Barton's farm, Natasha had a lot of time to think over the things that little witch had forced her to relive. Things she'd wanted so desperately to forget. What really messed with her head was the underlying feeling throughout. The same feeling that had inspired her to invest in a binder, the feeling that had led to her facing off with the mirror every day for the past few months. That feeling of something being not quite right, of not being comfortable in her own skin. The feeling which had plagued Natasha her entire life, that she'd denied for so long, had been pulled to the front of her mind, compromising her more completely than anything else the witch had shown her.

She pushed the feeling away, trying to deny it again, forcing herself to remember why she couldn't give in to that feeling. Focusing on the reasons that she needed to continue in this hell. She couldn't let Nat win now.

She was glad of the distraction when they landed, and she got to amuse herself by observing the reactions of her teammates to Laura, Cooper and Lila. Smiling, a genuine smile for a change, she asked Laura, "So how's little Natasha?" indicating Laura's swollen belly. For Laura's sake, Natasha hoped they could clear up this Ultron fiasco quickly. They couldn't have Clint missing the birth.

Laura gave a slightly sheepish smile as she responded, "Actually, he's a Nathaniel." Narrowing her eyes, Natasha bent down to address the bump.

"Traitor," she whispered. Inside, she really did feel betrayed, as if by being Nathaniel instead of Natasha he had revealed her dirty little secret. Or that he had stolen from her the chance to-

She cut that thought off, instead excusing herself to go shower. Bruce was currently using it, so while she waited she turned over some ideas in her head, eventually reaching the conclusion that she needed to flee. She couldn't continue in this life. As Bruce emerged from the shower, she decided to try and rope him in. They did have a lot in common, more even than Natasha would admit to; they both felt they had a loathsome 'alter ego'. Admittedly, Nat was no comparison to the Hulk, but Natasha thought it was the closest anyone could ever come. With the possible exception of Bucky Barnes and the Winter Soldier, but that could not be confirmed until Steve brought his Bucky home.

Bruce, as usual, seemed surprised and possibly a little scared by Natasha's attention. Natasha didn't let it get to her. She was persuasive as she outlined some vague similarities, while refusing to even hint at the concept of Nat. She couldn't trust anyone with that information. Internally, she clung to the hope that Ultron had gained all his knowledge about the Avengers from the internet, and had not raided Jarvis' memory banks. There was a lot about her on the internet, but all those secrets were things she had come to terms with. Jarvis knew about Nat. That was something that Ultron could use against her. She'd been compromised by Loki, she couldn't be compromised by Ultron and the twin freaks as well.

\- - - -

 _He knows. Oh God, he knows._ Natasha was curled in a corner of the cell Ultron had locked her in, barely able to think. He'd made it very clear that he knew all about her face-offs against the mirror, about the shooting incident before the party - everything Jarvis had known about her, Ultron had learned, by force, in the moments he allowed Jarvis to live before tearing apart his programming.

It was like her brain was shutting down. To have been faced by a robot hell-bent on worldwide destruction and have it bring up her biggest secret, her insecurity... She should have been able to get out. She was the Black Widow, this simple cell could never hold her, and yet... She was caged by her psyche.

Dimly, she was able to register that the twins had abandoned Ultron. Hopefully they'd seen sense and teamed up with the Avengers. _But they must know too... The girl at least has to have seen it... She was in my head, she brought it to the front of my mind... What if she tells Clint?_ She shook herself. They would have no time for discussing something so trivial, given the impending apocalypse Ultron had planned. They'd need to focus all their energies on defeating him - and Clint would be searching for her. If he found her, he'd know where Ultron was, and they could stop it. She would have to be rescued, but it seemed a small price to pay. She managed to pull her focus off of the dilemma over Nat for long enough to send a signal for Clint. She just hoped he got it before Ultron destroyed the world or she drove herself insane.

\- - - -

Sat cross-legged on the bed, Nat stared into the shards of the mirror. They'd returned to the tower, with the view of setting up a new base elsewhere as soon as possible. And Nat was staring into the mirror, hunched over in her - his? - pyjamas. The shards of broken mirror - which Jarvis had never got round to clearing up - felt like a perfect representation of Nat's soul. Broken, out of place, jagged... defeated.

Downstairs, Wanda had not left her brother's side since arriving at the tower two days previously. He had just barely survived his injuries, but was now comatose. There was no telling when or even if he would wake up.

The Vision glided silently to Wanda's side. Anyone else would have jumped when he said, "Miss Maximoff?" softly, but sneaking up on Wanda was near impossible.

"What?"

"I understand you are concerned for your brother, but right now there is someone else who needs you more." At her questioning glance, he continued, "Agent Romanov is... conflicted. Jarvis was aware of her conflict but sworn against telling anyone-"

"And since you're not Jarvis, but have his memories, you can tell me?" the Vision paused, uncertain of whether he could actually tell Wanda. "It's okay, I already know what's in Agent Romanov's head. I saw it all when I..." She swallowed, consumed by guilt over the invasion of Nat's privacy. "You think I could help?"

"There was a news article that Agent Romanov would often play while trying to resolve the internal conflict... It referred to Black Widow as 'the only female Avenger'... You are an Avenger now, so perhaps with the removal of that argument..."

"Nat will be more open to questions of gender identity. Right. And since I already know everything, it'll be easier for Agent Romanov to have the conversation."

The Vision inclined his head, and when Wanda hesitated, suggested, "I will stay by your brother while you go to Agent Romanov's quarters. He will not be alone." Wanda hesitated a moment more, and the Vision added, "This needs to be done soon, Wanda. Agent Barton is leaving in a few hours." Wanda nodded then, and with one last squeeze of Pietro's hand, she rose and headed up to Nat's room.

Nat was roused by a sharp knock at the door.

"Go away."

"Agent Romanov, I really need to speak to you." When there was no immediate response, Wanda added, "You know, I can just open the door. No lock can keep me out."

With a sigh, Nat replied, "It's not locked, come on in." Wanda pushed the door open, and immediately her gaze was drawn to the shards of broken mirror lying on the carpet. Frowning, she raised a hand, pulling the shards into the air together, gathering them together and gently dropping them into the bin. The shards still fixed in the frame of the mirror followed, leaving a wooden back board with three bullets embedded in it. Nat raised an eyebrow as Wanda turned to face the figure on the bed.

"I promise, I'm not going to poke around in your head again. At least, not without permission. And I'm really sorry for what I did last time. But right now, I'd like to help you."

"Help me? Help me how exactly?" Nat glared at Wanda, knowing exactly what was coming.

"'The only female Avenger', that's what they called you, right? That's how you justified the misery you were inflicting upon yourself?" Nat blinked, surprised. Then returned to glaring as realisation dawned.

"The Vision told you. He knows everything Jarvis knew but doesn't stick to Jarvis' promises. Who else has he blabbed to out of concern for my well-being?"

"No one. He only mentioned 'the only female Avenger' because I pointed out that I already knew all about what was going on in your head. And it's part of why he thinks I can help you. I'm an Avenger now, so that argument, ridiculous as it may be, is inarguably invalid." Nat blinked again, looking up at Wanda in shock.

"You don't think that argument was valid before?"

"Of course not. I tried to pull forward your gender identity issues when I was in your mind, knowing that it was something you needed to sort out. I know it seems like I was trying to... incapacitate you, but I didn't have any specific grudge against you, so I wanted to help you. I helped Thor as well, showed him something useful."

"What about Cap? I get you hate Tony, but how did you try and help Cap?"

"I tried to give him what he wanted. His dance with Peggy." Nat nodded, then shook his head, trying to reorganise the thoughts.

"But, why wasn't being the only female Avenger a valid argument?"

"Because you weren't the only female Avenger. Not really. Until I came along, the Avengers was an all-male group. It was just that you, Nat," Wanda paused to really impress the point on Nat. "You were mistaken for a woman so easily that you had to pretend to be one. Yes, some people might hate you for taking away what they see as a positive female role model, but surely you make a better role model by being true to yourself than you do by forcing yourself to suffer? Because you were suffering Nat. That," She gestured at the remains of the mirror, "Is not healthy. Trying to pursue a relationship with someone who is as poor a match for you as Banner, on the grounds that he calls you Natasha and 'reminds you of who you need to be' is not healthy. Nat, Clint was right to be worried about you. You weren't in a good place."

"And now?" Nat's voice was barely even a whisper, choked up with tears. He met Wanda's searching gaze, nodding his consent for her to look into his mind and see the things he couldn't say aloud.

Wanda stepped forward, raising her hand towards Nat's head. She hesitated and murmured, "I'll try to be gentle," before she proceeded, slipping into Nat's mind. Nat caught brief flashes of what Wanda was searching for; fear and doubt, uncertainty, but also an underlying sense of hope and relief stemming from the realisation that he could be himself.

When Wanda lowered her hand she was smiling, a smile Nat returned weakly. "I think you're in a much better place now. Agent Barton is leaving in a few hours. You should talk to him before he goes." Without waiting for a response, Wanda turned and swept out of the room. Nat stared after her for a moment, then shook himself. He scooted down to the end of the bed and checked the floor in case Wanda had missed any glass, then slipped through into the bathroom for a quick shower. On emerging, he didn't even hesitate as he scooped up the binder from where it lay on the floor, where he'd thrown it several days before when getting ready for the party. He opted for skinny jeans and a tank top, and used the bathroom mirror to check his hair. As he strode back through his room, he glanced over at where the mirror should have been, briefly forgetting its absence.

He headed for the Main Common Room, but changed course on hearing voices emanating from the kitchen. Thor was stood by the microwave, waiting for his pop tarts and conversing with the Vision. Steve was sketching at the table and trying not to laugh at Tony's reaction to Clint talking his ear off, regaling him with tales of his DIY renovation projects at the farm. Nat hesitated in the doorway, suddenly unsure of what to say. But he was denied the chance to slip away and think it over when Steve glanced up and spotted her.

"Hey Nat. We were starting to think you weren't gonna come say goodbye to Clint." He smiled in greeting, and Clint looked over, grinning as he spotted Nat.

"Hey, you made it! How are you doing?" Nat caught the flicker of concern in his face as he asked that and forced a smile onto his face.

"I'm good," he responded, "Kinda bummed that you're going though." He did his best to reassure Clint with his smile, but without saying anything it was hard to be convincing. He wanted to talk to Clint in private, not sure he could come out to everyone at once. The Vision scuppered that plan though, asking,

"So you are feeling more comfortable in yourself after your discussion with Wanda?"

Nat glared. He had no right to say that. Everyone picked up on the serious tone and turned to Nat, talking all at once. "Talk with Wanda?" "Has something been bothering you?" "What does he mean by 'more comfortable in yourself'?" Only Clint remained silent, looking straight at Nat. He saw the pain and panic in his eyes, and gave a shout to cut everyone else off.

"HEY!" Once silence had fallen, he continued, "Whatever's been going on, it sounds like it's been sorted now and I'm sure Nat will tell us in her own time." Despite most of the room having turned to look at Clint, they all spotted the way Nat flinched at his words. Having already constructed a theory as to Nat's problem, Clint took the flinch as confirmation and quietly murmured, "His own time?" Nat nodded silently, scared of the reaction he'd get but also relieved to get it off his chest. Clint was practically beaming at him, Steve and Tony looked rather gobsmacked, and Thor was utterly perplexed.

"I do not understand. Why have you switched to male pronouns?" Thor asked.

"So you're... trans?" Steve asked, causing Tony to turn and gape at him, seemingly shocked that Steve knew the term. Nat was a little surprised as well, but he nodded.

"Yeah, I'm trans. Been kinda... fighting it for a while. I thought it was wrong, the way I felt. I felt like..."

"You felt like a traitor to your gender. I've been there. At least these days you don't have to worry as much about getting beat up for it." Seeing Nat's astonishment, Steve elaborated, "Genderfluid. Real killer back in the forties."

"I do not understand. What is 'trans' and 'genderfluid'?" Thor demanded, thoroughly bewildered.

"Well being trans means that although everyone's always thought of Nat as female he identifies as male and genderfluid means that Steve doesn't always identify as male and sometimes identifies as female or neither or both but Steve are you implying that you've always been like this and during the war you were genderfluid?" Tony rattled off, seemingly without taking a breath.

"Yeah, although that wasn't what we called it. And it was kept pretty quiet. Didn't your Dad ever mention Stephanie to you?"

"He might've said something about a Stephanie once or twice, I never really listened when he talked about his ex-girlfr- Are you telling me you were my Dad's girlfriend during the war?!" Nat couldn't help laughing at the expression on Tony's face as the realisation hit, and Steve smirked at him, enjoying the opportunity to wind the genius up. Clint sidled round the pair as Thor turned to the Vision for help understanding what was meant by these concepts. Nat suspected that once he understood he'd announce that on Asgard they called it something else or used magic to help people deal with it or something.

"So, how long have you known?" Nat asked as Clint reached his side.

"I've been noticing that something's up for a while. There were a lot of little clues, although it took some time to put them together. I wasn't sure until you flinched just now. So how come the Vision and Wanda knew before me?" he asked in mock offence.

"Jarvis knew everything. I bought a chest binder a few weeks ago, out of curiosity, but I never had the courage to wear it outside my room. I asked him not to tell anyone, and the Vision seems to have continued that promise. Wanda... I'm not sure if she heard it from Ultron first or just saw it in my head, but she knew, and so..."

"She talked it through with you and helped you come to terms with yourself?" Nat nodded silently, watching Tony, who was gesticulating wildly as he spoke, something about the mental images he really didn't need. Across the kitchen, Thor exclaimed,

"Oh, of course, yes Loki was like that, although he would change gender in a rather more physical sense. And what about this... trans?" Nat grinned, both at being correct about Thor's understanding and at seeing the way Steve blanched at the realisation he'd just been compared to _Loki_ of all people. Turning slightly, he saw Clint's smile, focussed on him. "What?"

"It's good to see you so happy. I'm really glad you've been able to tell us about this."

"Yeah, but this is just the beginning. There's still the matter of the media, all those little girls who look up to me as a female role model who need correcting, all the official stuff with the Avengers..."

"We'll be here to help you through all that. You can come out in your own time Nat, and we'll be with you every step of the way."

"Thought you were retiring?"

"I can still support you. And maybe, once the new baby's grown up a bit... Just in my spare time..." He brought his hand up to scratch at the back of his head. Nat laughed, shaking his head. The smile lingered on his face as he gazed around the kitchen at his friends. His friends who understood him now, who he could wholly be himself with. He'd never felt as at home as he did in that instant.

**Author's Note:**

> So this was mostly me trying to work through some of the problems I experienced when I was first discovering who I am, in particular the idea of being a traitor to my gender. Of course certain parts were exaggerated, and even made up (sadly I have never been a role model for an entire generation) in order to apply it to Black Widow. I have at times felt bad about writing this as Natasha becoming Nat, which is part of why I threw in that bit at the end about Steve/Stephanie, but this is how I needed to write it. I honestly don't give a shit if someone takes issue with that, because although I'm posting this publicly, I wrote this for me. Not you, me.
> 
> Clint having already figured it out more or less is also something that came from my experience, because at least two of my friends when I came out gave me the distinct impression (and then confirmed it when I asked) that they had already sort of figured it out, although they both stressed that they would never make an assumption about that.


End file.
